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A student comes into his lab class right at the end of the hour. Fearing he'll get an "F", he asks a fellow student what she's been doing. "We've been observing water under the microscope. We're suppose to write up what we see." The page of her notebook is filled with little figures resembling circles and ellipses with hair on them. The panic-stricken student hears the bell go off, opens his notebook and writes, "During this laboratory, I examined water under the microscope and I saw twice as many H's as O's."

A mosquito cried out in pain:
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
The cause of his sorrow
was para-dichloro-
diphenyltrichloroethane.


"Heisenberg's wife was unsatisfied because when he had the time he didn't have the energy, and when he had the position, he didn't have the momentum."
American Dad

Q: What is the chemical name of the following benzene-like molecule?

       PhD    PhD
\ /
C - C
/ \
C C
\ /
C - C
A: Orthodox

If you succeeding in guessing the answer to the previous joke, then you figure out this one:
Q: What is the chemical name of the following benzene-like molecule?

       4
\
C - C 4
/ \ /
C C
\ /
C - C
A: Metaphor



A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"
"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist. "That's it, I can never remember that word."

Q: How many physical chemists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll change it three times, plot a straight line through
the data, and then extrapolate to zero concentration.

Justus von Liebig (1803-1873).
One day he was approached by his assistant who all excited informed him that he had just discovered a universal solvent.
Liebig asked: "And what is a universal solvent?"
Assistant: "One that dissolves all substances."
Liebig: "Where are you going to keep that solvent, then?"


A poultry farmer was distressed because his chickens stopped laying eggs. He didn't know what to do about it, but one of his friends, a physicist, offered to help. The physicist came out to the farm, took a bunch of measurements, and went back home to analyze the data. The physicist called the farmer on the phone and said: "Okay, I have a solution for your problem, but it only works with spherical chickens in a vacuum."
The Big Bang Theory

Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.


Ein Chemiker, ein Mediziner und ein Jurist werden aufgefordert, das Telefonbuch auswendig zu lernen.
Der Chemiker: Warum?
Der Mediziner: Bis wann?
Der Jurist: Hab' ich schon.


Physical Chemistry is research on everything for which the negative
logarithm is linear with 1/T

Die Natur verabscheut dumme Experimentatoren.


A physicist goes to an ice cream parlour every week and orders an ice cream for himself and offers an ice cream for the empty stool sitting next to him. This goes on for a while until the owner asks him what he is doing.
The man said “well I’m a physicist and Quantum Mechanics teaches us that it is possible for the matter above this stool to spontaneously turn into a beautiful woman who might accept my offer and fall in love with me”
The owner says” well there are a lot of single beautiful woman come in here every day, so why don’t you buy an ice cream for one of them and they might fall in love with you”.
And the physicist says “yeah, but what are the odds of that happening”!
The Big Bang Theory


In einer Universitätsstadt mietet ein Student ein Zimmer an. Beim Besichtigen sagt ihm die Wirtin: "Wegen der Flecken an der Wand, das kommt daher, dass vorher hier ein Chemiker gewohnt hat, der immer seine Experimente durchführen musste." 
"Ach so, dass sind die Spritzer von den Chemikalien" 
"Nein, das ist der Chemiker" 

There is the joke about the homeopath who forgot to take his
medicine and died of an overdose.

Ein Chemieprofessor kommt mit seinem Auto an die schweizerische Grenze. "Haben Sie etwas zu verzollen?" -"Nicht, daß ich wüßte." - "Na, dann öffnen Sie mal den Kofferraum" -Nach einer Weile der Zöllner: "Ja, das ist eine komplette Destillationsanlage,was Sie da haben! Damit können sie ja Schnaps brennen! Das müssen Sie verzollen." -Darauf der Professor: "Aber - ich bin doch Chemiker - das brauche ich für meine Versuche! Ich brenne gar keinen Schnaps." - "Ja, das ist egal, sie haben die Vorrichtung dazu. Dafür müssen Sie bezahlen." Nach einer Weile, als der Zöllner gerade die Zollerklärung ausfüllt, beginnt der Chemiker mit zitternder Stimme: "Sie, da ist noch etwas, was ich Ihnen sagen muß..." - "Ja, was denn ?" - "Unzucht! Mit Minderjährigen!" - "Ja, das ist ja schrecklich! Ja, wann denn?" - "Noch nicht, aber ich hab' die Vorrichtung!" 


"Not all chemicals are bad. For instance, without hydrogen and oxygen we
cannot make water, an essential ingredient in beer"




Top Ten ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab:

10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on
describing the sound to others.

9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does
this taste funny to you?"

8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK."

7. Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again."

6. When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"

5. Deny the existence of chemicals.

4. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says
exactly the way he/she says it.

3. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.

2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is
about to pour the sulfuric acid

1. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an
interest in federal buildings.





From Gaussian03-output:

"THE ACADEMIC HIERARCHY"


THE PRESIDENT:
LEAPS TALL BUILDINGS IN A SINGLE BOUND,
IS MORE POWERFUL THAN A LOCOMOTIVE,
IS FASTER THAN A SPEEDING BULLET,
WALKS ON WATER,
GIVES POLICY TO GOD.

THE VICE PRESIDENT FOR ACADEMIC AFFAIRS:
LEAPS SHORT BUILDINGS IN A SINGLE BOUND,
IS MORE POWERFUL THAN A SWITCH ENGINE,
IS JUST AS FAST AS A SPEEDING BULLET,
WALKS ON WATER IF SEA IS CALM,
TALKS WITH GOD.

PROFESSOR:
LEAPS SHORT BUILDINGS WITH A RUNNING START AND FAVORABLE WINDS,
IS ALMOST AS POWERFUL AS A SWITCH ENGINE,
CAN FIRE A SPEEDING BULLET,
WALKS ON WATER IN AN INDOOR SWIMMING POOL,
TALKS WITH GOD IF SPECIAL REQUEST IS APPROVED.

ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR:
BARELY CLEARS A QUONSET HUT,
LOSES TUG OF WAR WITH LOCOMOTIVE,
MISFIRES FREQUENTLY,
SWIMS WELL,
IS OCCASIONALLY ADDRESSED BY GOD.

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR:
MAKES HIGH MARKS ON WALLS WHEN TRYING TO LEAP TALL BUILDINGS,
IS RUN OVER BY LOCOMOTIVES,
CAN SOMETIMES HANDLE A GUN WITHOUT INFLICTING SELF INJURY,
DOG PADDLES,
TALKS TO ANIMALS.

GRADUATE STUDENT:
RUNS INTO BUILDINGS,
RECOGNIZES LOCOMOTIVES TWO OUT OF THREE TIMES,
IS NOT ISSUED AMMUNITION,
CAN STAY AFLOAT WITH A LIFE JACKET,
TALKS TO WALLS.

UNDERGRADUATE AND WORK STUDY STUDENT:
FALLS OVER DOORSTEP WHEN TRYING TO ENTER BUILDINGS,
SAYS, "LOOK AT THE CHOO-CHOO,"
WETS HIMSELF WITH A WATER PISTOL,
PLAYS IN MUD PUDDLES,
MUMBLES TO HIMSELF.

DEPARTMENT SECRETARY:
LIFTS TALL BUILDINGS AND WALKS UNDER THEM,
KICKS LOCOMOTIVES OFF THE TRACKS,
CATCHES SPEEDING BULLETS IN HER TEETH AND EATS THEM,
FREEZES WATER WITH A SINGLE GLANCE,
IS GOD.





A physicist, biologist and a chemist were going to the ocean for the first time.
The physicist saw the ocean and was fascinated by the waves. He said he wanted to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves and walked into the ocean. Obviously he was drowned and never returned.
The biologist said he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna inside the ocean and walked inside the ocean. He too, never returned.
The chemist waited for a long time and afterwards, wrote the observation, "The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water".


A Chemical is a Substance that:

An organic chemist turns into a foul odor.
An analytical chemist turns into a procedure.
A physical chemist turns into a straight line.
A biochemist turns into a helix.
A chemical engineer turns into a profit.



Free radicals have revolutionized chemistry.


Rules of the lab

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time.
First draw your curves, then plot your data.
Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.
To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Do not believe in miracles--rely on them.
Team work is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.
Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.



You Might Be a Chemist if...

you carry your lab safety goggles around with you at all times, just in case...
you don't drink water, you drink H2O.
you start disagreeing with movies and TV shows on scientific aspects.
you carry a base solution around with you at all times, just in case one of those freak Hydrochloric acid spills happen.
you become very agitated when people refer to air as Oxygen, and proceed to list all of the components of air.
instead of writing ozone you write O3.
you start referring to the smell of nail polish remover as an acetone smell.
you no longer ask for Tylenol, you ask for acetaminophen.
you actually enjoy going to Chemistry class.
you think a mole is a unit of amount, rather than a small furry animal in your lawn.
you pronounce unionized as "un-ion-ized", instead of "union-ized".
you wash your hands before you go to the bathroom.
you start explaining the condensation of water vapour every time your soda can has water drops and people think water is coming out of the can.

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